Status updates

I’m not naughty, just behaviorally challenged. 🙂

Great minds think alike but dirty minds work together

My momma always told me if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.. So why does everyone wonder why I’m so quiet all the time.?

Random question of the day: How much Wood would a woodchuck chuck if the woodchuck was on crack???

My laundry basket has the flu…it keeps throwing up dirty clothes.

Why do they put designs on toilet paper?? Honestly, while someone is taking a crap are they gonna look at the toilet paper and say OMG its a butterfly!?

Some people should come with ‘Delete’ buttons.

thinks that Farmville should let us go cow tipping on our neighbors farms lol =)

<- hey look that’s my name…my name is on the Internet…wow…cool!

Evil genius laugh: Muhahahahahahaha evil hyper laugh: MUEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

when someone pisses you off it takes 82 muscles to frown, but it only takes 12 muscles to extend your arm and slap that mother f***ker across the face
=)

Jokes Statuses

5 penguins are on the beach then 3 flew to Florida but 2 came back. how many penguins are there? Why are you counting? penguins can’t fly & they don’t like heat

Dear friends: Please update my status when I am dead just to freak people out 😀

Rose’s are red.. violets are blue. sugar is sweet and so are u, But the roses are wilting and the violets are dead. the sugar boles empty and so is your head 😀

asked if there are too many Illegal Aliens in the U.S. , 17% Said Yes, 22% Said No, The Other 61% said, “I no speaka English.”

by the time you finish reading this you realize you just waste 8 seconds of your life just cause you got curious and decided to read my status… loser! 😀

Similarities of BRA & BAR, Both have same letters, Both are drinking zones, Both have restricted time of opening & closing, when both are opened men go crazy.


Humor Statuses

How come when your wife is pregnant all their female friends rub their tummy and say congratulations but no one rubs your balls and says good job?

Where there’s a will, there’s a way…I wish there was a way someone would leave me in their will.

If history repeats itself, I’m sooo gonna get a dinosaur!

You laugh because you think I’m kidding,
I smile because I know I’m not 🙂

It’s okay to talk to yourself, and it’s even okay to answer yourself. Its when you start going, “huh? What did you say?” that the men in the white coats show up

is not ALWAYS on Facebook, you just always happen to be on at the same time. which means you’re the one ALWAYS on Facebook… see the logic?

God please help me find my serenity. I can’t seem to find it. I think i left it with my gratitude buried somewhere under this pile of frustration.

raise your hand if u think im stupid,haha look at u all dumb asses raising your hands in front of a computer screen.

too many people buy stuff they don’t want, with money they don’t have, to impress people they don’t like

I ride the short-bus because I’m special… but don’t laugh cause your in the seat behind me licking the window!

Treat men like underwear. Throw out the old and ratty but keep the ones that make you feel sexy and pretty

 

•is almost entirely fictional.
•can bite his toe nails. bonus!
•eats emo’s and spits out morbid poetry.
•is awesome. Fact
•managed to escape from his mental hospital, unharmed.
•likes to Foxtrot in a Uniform in front of Charlie who bairly weighs a Kilo.
•sometimes randomly outbursts his likes in creative Nato phonetic.
•once milked Jesus.
•reckons he was baptized in LSD.
•is the new green, which is the new blue.
•has all 3 main types of retardation.
•is an unlicensed helicopter pilot
•pwns lolcats at haxor speed.
•is fueled by bad sperm.
•invented the karate chop
•wastes far too much time in this status box.
•is enduring the hardship of life in the Facebook status box.
•can increase your penis size by 30%!!!!
•spams regularly
•wishes to return to his fathers nutsack.
•1s phLu3n7 1n H4×0r.
•feels like flying to the clouds, stealing some, and making puff pastry.
•is playing ball in the house.
•puts the pain in paintball
•is on sale. Everything must go
•is like a disease waiting to spread on the crotch of humanity